cyndecisive
I'm a 21 year old coffee addict and workaholic. I love my cat, big cities, drawing celebrities, and new places. I have a lot of love to give and you can try to win me over with wine, flowers, and stories...but it probably won't work.


I am probably the worst at doing nothing. I’ve been trying to watch movies and draw for the past 5 hours because I’m supposed to be resting but I just feel lonely and unproductive and gross :(


  -  13 October

you tell me you write poetry, and i want to ask you if i could read some… but I’m scared i’ll fall in love with you if i do. 


  -  11 October

I think it’s funny… There comes a moment when you decide “fuck it all” and decide to put all of your energy and all of your time into something or someone that makes you happy. You don’t know how long it’s going to last, or how it will end. You decide to be present in that moment and try to enjoy what it is that you have available to you without thinking of the consequences. Then there comes a point when you want clarity and you want answers, you want to know what’s coming. When you find out, you’re kind of at a lull if it isn’t what you want. Do you move on? Do you hope that things will fall into place on their own? It’s all very strange. 


I woke up in a pretty great mood today. Work yesterday was actually not bad at all (a welcome change after the most stressful month I’ve ever had… ever) so I’m sure that had something to do with it. 

I had a surprise visit yesterday morning from someone who is recently managing to put a smile on my face, and then yesterday afternoon I hung out with my favorite ass-kicking body guard for an hour. He’s the size of a house, has a grey ponytail, and is the biggest teddy bear in the world. He also never fails to crack me up. Throw in Michael Jordan laughing at me because he managed to drop a coffee tumbler outside of my store and scare the ever living crap out of me (how does the best basketball player EVER drop a coffee tumbler??) and you’ve got yourself a decent friday!

Today I woke up and stayed in bed for about an hour which was lovely, and now I’m listening to Cheek to Cheek while picking up my room, drinking coffee, and lounging around online. I’m off from work today and tomorrow actually, plus tomorrow I’m going to spend my day at the spa with Adri and then I’m headed to see Chvrches with Shareef at night.

You know those moments where you’re pretty content with everything in your life? I’m having one for the first time in a while and it’s great.  


I found you and I fell for you, but you’re not mine to want.


It’s a really terrifying feeling when one single person makes you happier than you have been in a while. It’s scary because you can lose it just as quickly as you gained it and that kind of sucks. 


It’s been a while since I’ve caught myself uncontrollably smiling because I’m thinking of someone.


Being able to tell someone “yes what I did to you was selfish and that’s why I fucking did it. because i needed to do what was best for me in that moment and not give a shit what you thought” feels really good let me tell you. 


Last night I saw the stars for the first time. REALLY saw the stars. I live somewhere with so many lights that you can only see handful at once, but last night I was a few hours out of town on a beach as dark as I had ever seen. There were stars and stars and stars and I saw this depth and vastness that I could get lost in for hours without noticing. I saw a shooting star at one point, they’re real. It was just beyond comprehension that these things exist and they’re out there and I don’t see them every day.


I’m drained and exhausted and being pulled in ten thousand directions at once. At work today I have to write up one of my staff, I have a pile of orders to write about 5 inches high, and then I have to host an event that I’m sure no one is going to show up to, and I’m just not in the mood. At all :( Ever have those days? Or weeks really… ?


At my hotel yesterday I came across an elderly woman and her caretaker in the lobby… The woman walked into the elevator and upon looking at the framed wooden mirror, she put on the BIGGEST smile and said “Look! They put a picture of me in here!”

Made my day.


You’re actually 11 years older than me and you just deleted me from facebook. Way to be mature dumbass. 


just sent a really risky ass text and now im not turning my phone on till tomorrow morning ‘cause i’d like to get some sleep thanks


I spent 13 hours yesterday visiting fashion showrooms and dining with vendors. As amazing as that may sound, I think I have a permanent migraine that carried over from last night to today. 

Shopping for a living is no joke folks. 


It’s funny how job opportunities start showing up when you’re unhappy with your job. I do, however, think there is something to be said about resilience. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving the job that I despise 50% of the time- partially because the other 50% isn’t that bad and partially because my boss is bloody brilliant and a great mentor. Mind you, two other people have quit this job this year already. Also I’m not a quitter. If I feel as if I can make a change and make a difference somewhere it’s not easy for me to leave…even if I’m underpaid and stressed and not totally happy. 


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